


elderflower and nightshade - feral snufkin au

by pidgeontown



Category: Moominvalley (Cartoon 2019), Mumintroll | Moomins Series - Tove Jansson
Genre: Angst, Animal Death, Blood, Blood and Gore, Crying, Eventual Comfort, Feral Snusmumriken | Snufkin, Gen, Growing Up, Hurt, Mild Gore, Non-Graphic Violence, Snusmumriken | Snufkin Has Paws and a Tail, Snusmumriken | Snufkin is a Cat, a lot of crying, confusing feelings, graphic images, he cant help it tho, just angry teens innit, just snufkin being kinda a dick to everyone and everything, little my being nice for once, they are like 14-17 in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:07:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28495839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidgeontown/pseuds/pidgeontown
Summary: Snufkins arrived back in moominvalley and something is immediately off. A tail, fur, sharp teeth. It's all too confusing.   Mixed with growing feelings for moomin, all snufkin wants is for his world to fold in on him
Relationships: Muminmamman | Moominmamma/Muminpappan | Moominpappa, Mumintrollet | Moomintroll/Snorkfröken | The Snork Maiden, Mumintrollet | Moomintroll/Snusmumriken | Snufkin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 35





	1. page 1 - faultered hydrangeas

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first fic. stay as long as u would like and know u are always welcome xx enjoy

snufkin awoke. teary-eyed, he glanced around his tent for his hat. the green pointed hat, still with wilted flowers clinging to the fabric, was hung on the zipper of the tent. snufkin grabbed it, his hands tingled and shook as he moved them. he jolted his hand toward his chest as he held his wrist and stared at his palm. the tingling worsened and the pain in his fingertips grew. the sharp ends of his fingers quivered and shook violently. this had been happening every morning since he got back to Moomin valley last spring, it had almost been a full year and the pain only worsened.

he slowly stood up and looked into the small cracked mirror hung on the inside of his tent, still grasping his thin wrists. he opened his mouth to show 2 sets of pointed teeth, two on the top and two on the bottom, his gums ached as he clenched his defined jaw, pressing the teeth together. they fit perfectly together like a jigsaw. 

in the mirror he saw, peeking out from under his auburn, scraggly hair, his ears. log and pointed, coated in a thin layer of dark brown fur. he went to itch the wiry hairs. as his hand moved closer to his ears he could hear the echo of wind bouncing off of his hand, he could hear the fast heartbeat pulsating in his fingertips, he flinched, he's never been able to hear that well.

although he wasn't surprised, snufkin wasn't comfortable with the changes he was going through. he whipped his body around heading towards the tent opening, he felt a long, vine-like mass whip the back of his legs, his tail had grown longer, almost 3 inches overnight. snufkin hated this, he didn't want to change, he didn't know who he was anymore.

as he emerged the icy white sun peered down towards him, next he put both arms through the oversized sleeves of his green jacket, his jacket was largely oversized even though he had had it his whole life, it almost seemed to grow with him. he fastened the brown buttons and placed his harmonica into his large pocket, pulling out multiple pieces of lint in the process, he threw them into the bushes and put on his mustard yellow scarf, tattered and faded he still loved it. he knelt down and tied his faux leather, heeled boots tightly with a black cord. the wind blew violently, biting his nose and fingertips. he looked around and noticed Moomin and his family had already started hibernating, secretly snufkin hoped that Moomin wasn't asleep yet and wanted to spend another day with his best friend. the wind lashed and whistled in his ears, it felt like drums banging directly into his eardrums, rattling in his skull. snufkin began packing up his tent and bed. hurling them into his large army green, canvas bag. he rolled up his sleeping bad and fastened it to the top of his bag. he hoisted the bag onto his back. prepared for his annual winter adventures.

snufkin walked through his usual forest path towards Lonely mountains, dropping his letter to Moomin in the makeshift oil can postbox. the letter was usually addressed to everyone, my, Moomin, snorkmaiden etc. but this time it was only addressed to Moomin, it read ;

dear Moomin troll,

I'm leaving for winter and now and I night nor be back in time for spring, that is a definite maybe as I never know where the wind might take me.

although there is no need to worry, I will be just dandy as you already know though, I can't stop you worrying. I will bring you flowers as a sorry when I return.

but for now, I trust you not to tell anyone, I can't have people worrying over me like some sick dog.

bye for now,

love snufkin xx

as he continued down his path he could hear all of the individual sounds of the forest, he could hear the squirrels squeak and birds chirp. the sun beamed through the green leaves, giving the frosted snowy floor a green tint. his sense of smell had strengthened, not only his hearing. his mouth was dry and he could taste a metallic tingle on his tongue. the irony taste startled snufkin although he dismissed it due to not having drunk anything today.

he kept a steady pace eventually slowing to a halt, he watched as 3 small creatures leapt across the path in front of him, the creatures kicked up the frosted ground as they played in the middle of the path, not paying any attention to snufkin. he locked eyes with one of the creatures, its innocent eyes, unsuspecting. snufkins eyes pierced the soul of the creature as it backed away, glancing towards its friends every couple of seconds. snufkins eyes dilated and the metallic thirst grew and he imagines pouncing on the animal, pulling it apart. eating it whole. snufkin scared himself as he shook himself back to reality, he shooed the creatures back into the forest, imagining what might have happened if they stayed any longer.

snufkin looked around frantically, worrying there was a witness to his strange behaviour. as he calmed he sat won on a nearby log, he felt so unsure, overwhelmed, afraid. the log was cold and damp due to the newly melted frost on the moss, the cold felt familiar and comforting. snufkin reached up and pulled his hat from the top of his head, knocking petals off of the flowers in the process. he leant his elbows on his knees, hunched over and frustratingly scrunched his hair in his hands. he relaxed uncomfortably, and frustrated he tugged his hair, he slipped off the log and onto the crunchy forest floor, he leant his head back on the log that was now behind him, his hair now scraggly and full of moss he reached for his hat and placed it on his face. looking up onto his hat, snufkin began to cry. glossy tears running down the side of his face, muffled and stuttered snufkin said to himself "why can't I just be normal." he now relaxed completely, snufkin found that a good cry every once and a while releases built-up tension. and that's exactly what he needed. snufkin lifted the hat onto the top of his head, he sat up and pushed his wet matted hair out of his tear-stained face. the wind whipped and bit at his raw face, the wind felt refreshing on his hot and flustered face , like little icicle kissed, painful yet loving.


	2. frost flowers

snufkin dragged his feet across the frozen ground, digging up dirt and snow with his steel-toed shoes. his feet ached as he planted every footstep, his cold face quivered in the wind, blushing his cheeks and nose. although being freezing inside and out, snufkin looked comfortable and calm, reflecting his urge to run away from himself into heavy footsteps and a quick pace. 

he felt the strongest urge to sprint away, never coming back, his feet almost picked up as this thought crossed his mind. heading toward the mountains, snufkin thought he could just hide away and forget about everyone, even himself. he held his arms almost holding himself back. he knew he could never, never leave Moomin. his heart sank into his ribcage, his stomach tied itself In knots as he thought about Moomin, he thought about Moomin waiting and waiting for snufkins eventual return, as he thought his arms and legs shivered violently.

distracted by his thoughts snufkin looked up at the sky, it was larger than he ever imagined. stars pinpricked the sky as the clouds settled on the canvas. the sun was setting and colours watercoloured the horizon, magentas and ambers he had never seen.

he eventually arrived at the base of the mountains, he looked up at the skyscrapers of the forest, the mountains towered over him. he felt small and insignificant as he glared up at the snow-capped mountains. he huffed and cracked his knuckles anxiously as he hadn't started pitching his tent yet, it was almost midnight.

he hurled of his backpack, a weight lifted off his shoulders, he felt like he was floating, he finally felt normal. he missed the feeling of taking off his backpack after a long walk. he began unravelling his tent and pitched it upright.

he then set up his fire and swiftly collected firewood from the surrounding trees. he lit a fire and sat in silence as he watched the embers dance in the orange flame. the crackling of the fire and the silence of the forest highly contrasted, although feeling nervous, for no particular reason, snufkin felt calm, calmer than ever he was home.

unfortunately due to the ordeal in the forest snufkin hadn't thought about dinner, he had no fish and no berries. disappointed snufkin clambered into his tent and quickly fell asleep

snufkins eyes darted around the forest, he felt eyes watching him, he thrashed and sat upright. he could see Moomin picking berries with snorkmaiden .he looked at them confused, something wasn't right, the forest was silent, no noise and the floor was smooth like concrete. he began calling their names and running towards them not caring about the oddness of the situation. Moomin and snorkmaiden didn't bat an eye when all of a sudden snufkin fell, almost phased through the forest floor. 

he was falling, snufkin felt weightless as he passed through the black void. he was screaming, aching his vocal cords. the screams quickly became chokes. snufkin was falling for what felt like hours until he landed.

his full body weight slammed against a concrete floor, snufkin looked up. terrified and worried, he knelt on his knees and was preparing to run, he stood up only to slip on a thick dark liquid. he looked down to see his green jacket stained with red ink. his lips were dripping when he quickly realised he could taste that strong metallic taste in his mouth again, only this time it was strong and foul. he put his hand in his mouth. feeling his teeth, he felt fur, matted to the inside of his mouth. 

confused and dazed he looked around, he spotted a red and white mass. he ran as quick as he could, only he couldn't move. he was frustratingly slipping on the liquid every time he stepped, taking him back to the beginning, he slowly realised what he had done.

he was frustratingly slipping on the liquid every time he stepped, taking him back to the beginning, he slowly realised what he had done   
snufkin woke up in a cold sweat he patted himself down, in disbelief at the dream. he quickly stood up, hitting his head on his lamp that hung above him, biting his tongue in the process. he went to the mirror, his eyes widened as he saw his mouth bleeding horrendously. snufkin remembered the dream he had last night and began to panic, 'did that all actually happen?'. he opened his mouth and immediately noticed his teeth had grown longer, both sets. he lifted his tongue and saw two pierce marks on the underside, although shaken by the dream snufkin was relieved that that's all it was a dream. 

he stupidly ignored the pools of blood on the floor and his limp tongue dripping. despite there being nothing he could do about his tongue, snufkin still tried his best to clean the blood off of his bed. he figured it wasn't coming out and began packing up.

he started to set off, his tongue bruised and his mouth still stained red. blood still dripping onto his shirt snufkin kept walking. walking until spring.


	3. lilly of the valley

The urges came and went as snufkin sauntered down his usual forest path. The frost peeled from the trees as the sun shone in from the horizon, snufkin had just woken up mear minutes before yet he was already on his way back to Moomin house. His eyes itched and his face tight as he felt that familiar, uncomfortable morning feeling. His mouth was dry and his lips were chapped so he decided to fetch cut off water from the nearby stream.

He scooped up the glistening water into his metal cup, the cup had multiple dents and wholes yet snufkin managed to gulp the water down before it had all leaked out.it was refreshing yet tasted bitter in his iron washed mouth. The water was still despite the various mini waterfalls peppering the stream. He stood. Fixated at the babbling, running water. The sound of gurgling water detracted him from forest life. He felt free for almost a second. He snapped back into reality. The water soothed his tongue as it had nearly healed from the night many months ago.

He went walking beside the Brook until he spied Moomin house far on the horizon. His ears perked up and his tail swished from side to side, cutting the air like butter as he excitedly ran toward the house. He halted. Remembering the weight and reality of the situation he was in. What if Moomin saw him like this, what would snufkin do to Moomin if the urges ever came back? Questions spun through snufkin mind like a pinwheel. He decided on an alternative, he compromised with himself as he devised a plan. Snufkin would try his hardest to hide his changes, flattening his ears and tucking his tail, although uncomfortable it was the only way. He then decided that, despite hard to think about, if he eventually gave in to the urges, And did something he would regret, he would run for the hills and never come back. No matter how much anyone wanted him. He would never come back.

He slowly began walking toward Moomin house. Hesitating every other second. He was admittedly terrified. He even contemplated not even going back, leaving Moomin. Although he knew deep down that Moomin was the only person keeping his life in check. Snufkin had known Moomin for as long as he could remember. although enjoying his time alone, snufkin always needed Moomin back. Whenever snufkin was away he longed for long talks with Moomin in flower-covered hills, making flower crowns for each other and star gazing. Snufkin knew that if he ever left he would become no different than his dad, fear-ridden and angry. That's the last thing snufkin wanted.

the green-topped boy slowly made his to the familiar bridge that crossed the running tiver. one one side was Moomin house, a loving and comforting family that he always wanted, although on the other side was complete freedom, a way out. he shook his head dismissing the thoughts. 

he looked up at the mossy ledge of the bridge, the bridge only had one bannister, deciding against dangling his feet into the river from the bridge above, he sat uncomfortably on the bannister, it was cold and damp, freshly thawed, his hands cold as he balanced himself, with his tail tucked, he found balancing harder. despite this, he kept his grip tightly around the wooden ledge, his hands frozen but he decided it was better than falling into an ice cold river. 

he reached into his pocket and pulled out his harmonica. shifting himself on the bridge to a more comfortable and balanced position. he reached up with both hands and began playing his signature spring tune, that would surely wake up Moomin troll.

snufkin kept his eyes fixated on the shiny top of his harmonica as he heard the door open and Moomin yelling. "snufkin!", "snufkiiin!" snufkin eventually looked up to see Moomin stood right next to him. snufkin briefly glanced down at Moomin as he non chalontly said,

" Moomin." surprised by snufkins calm and cool seeming demeanour, Moomin crossed his arms and leant against the bannister, mirroring snufkins attitude. despite snufkins cold and calm attitude towards Moomin, snufkin had millions of distressing thoughts rushing through his head. thoughts of his dream, his urges. what would he do if he ever acted upon his feelings? he shook the feelings out of his head and rested his eyes upon Moomin longingly. snufkin had always loved Moomin and despite knowing Moomin didn't feel the same, he couldn't stop his magnetic pull towards him.

"what's that ?" exclaimed Moomin questioning. snufkin seemed confused and surprised by moomins off-topic remark. then it hit him, snufkin hadn't pulled his hat far enough down, his ears were poking out like a black cat in the snow. although it was too late snufkin quickly pulled down his hat, folding his ears downwards, looking like a sad puppy. he looked down, blushing, and panicked, urgently thinking of excuses, magic? witches?. snufkin, unknowing to his mind, blurted out

" what... i.. I don't know what you're talking about." he looked up at Moomin almost searching for approval that his lie was good enough. Moomin chuckled and hit his elbow against snufkins shoulder, he giggled and said 

"cmon.. I won't tell " grinning. snufkin sighed a sigh of relief and sat up straight, he had no idea what he was going to say but decided against lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, I have no idea what snufkins gonna say but il figure it out, ik this page is a bit shit but stay with me I hope it gets better, also I just want to say thanks to the readers, I can't tell if ur real but if u are drop a comment xx thank u


	4. wilting petals

hey guys, despite having that sudden urge to write im being hella slow cuz school started again so IDK, just expects another chapter soon if I don't post one xx thanks for the support.

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°

snufkin eventually took an overly large sigh and began speaking " I don't know, it just kinda started happening " he seemed almost embarrassed by this inevitable change. Moomin looked into his concerned eyes as he quickly thought of a witty answer.

"hey, I literally have a tail, u think I'm gonna care? " he said giggling, poking fun at snufkin for even thinking he would react badly. snufkin giggled but his expression quickly turned sour with embarrassment.

"Wanna go on an adventure ?" said snufkin, rubbing his shoulder against moomins, he felt a sense of acceptance as they both hopped off the bannister and onto the bridge below. he looked over at Moomin who seemed determined and courageous as he puffed his chest up as he breathed heavily. snufkin could feel his face redden and blush as he looked down at the pebbled path beneath his feet. he had loved Moomin for so long it was almost getting frustrating. knowing Moomin just has one of those flirty personalities, snufkin still seemed to get excited when Moomin did something remotely romantic. he felt special. he knew snork maiden, sniff and little my all got the same warm and comforting personality, despite this he still felt that it was just for him, admittedly stupid. but in these past couple months, this last cold winter snufkins feelings for Moomin quickly grew and developed into something different, it was something snufkin had never felt before winter. an abstract, alien feeling took over snufkin, he knew he liked Moomin, but never in this way. it felt desiring, overwhelming, the same feeling he had towards those creatures. hunger.

snufkin quietly and antisocially walked through the forest, moomin skipping ahead. the forest was loud and busy, yet peaceful, freshly spring cleaned and with that fresh crisp feeling of an empty room. the silence between the two shivered snufkin and yet he was comfortable with the presence of Moomin. they had been walking for almost 10 minutes now, enjoying the company of the other. when quickly and suddenly snufkin felt this extreme feeling of hunger and thirst consume his body like a boat in an ocean storm, lashing rain and wall-like waves, ready to destroy. his eyes dilated and became a fiery amber, glowing beneath the shadow cast by his hat, his ears ached and his claws sharpened, although this time he knew what was going on. his reflexes kicked in as he slowed his walking pace, tensing up and attempting to stop the obvious changes he was going through. his teeth gritted together like cobblestones on a street and his tail lashed like a broken telephone pole, struck by lightning.

"what's wrong" exclaimed Moomin, obviously showing genuine concern as he turned to see what was holding him up. snufkin looked up at Moomin, leant over and clenching his hands in a clasped position, he looked concerned, distressed, unsettled. he held his hand tightly as he looked longingly into moomins eyes. despite his eyes grasping for help, his mouth was already in a locked position, drooling and clenched, showing his dagger-like, razor-sharp teeth. ready to bite. snufkin managed to muster enough force and through his teeth, he muttered the word

"run". in a battle with his instincts snufkins whole body tensed up violently shaking as he dug his nails into his palms. thick blood oozed from his palms, alerting Moomin back into a state of reality. tears in his eyes, Moomin screamed 

"no... I'm.. im not going to leave you like this". he said this whilst also simultaneously inching away from snufkin, I guess he has his own instincts, instincts of prey, to run. these words struck a nerve in snufkin as he recoiled from his clenched position, trusting himself not to kill someone who cared so deeply about him. snufkin knew that if Moomin ran his instincts would get worse, but at least he knew Moomin would be at a safe distance. 

"please Moomin, run for me... far from here," snufkin said with passion as he dropped to his knees, digging his nails into the ground. Moomin chocked up on tears and reluctantly backed off, he knew he couldn't leave his best friend in a state of complete uncontrol but to be honest he trusted snufkin with his whole heart that he would be fine and that tomorrow night they would meet for supper and pretend this never happened.

Moomin ran, stumbling over leaves and branches on his way back to Moomin house. he tiredly leaned his arm against the burgundy, paint-chipped door. sweating bullets and tears dried to his red face. he frantically slammed his hand against the door, stinging his palm. he slides down the door, sobbing worried, bringing his fists up to his forehead and landing his body weight against the comfort of his home door. Moomin mama opens the door only to see Moomin crouched by the door, head in hands. stinging tears running down his face and snot blocking his nose he nasally said,

"I think there's something wrong with snufkin". Moomin mama motherly takes moomins sweaty hand and places her other hand ontop 

"it's going to be okay moomin, we will help him". she fetched a blanket and gently wraps it around moomin as he shakes and sniffs. he sits down on the comforting sofa he has grown to know and love, a familiar setting, all without snufkin. he composed himself eventually and explained what happened quickly, knowing full well snufkin was still out there struggling, and that he was.


	5. white orchids

snufkin shivered violently in the cold, rushing wind that swept his hair back, cooling his sweaty face. his body loosened from the tense state he had been in and his paws released from his grip on the ground. on his knees, snufkin brought his muddy paws up to his face, lower palms pressed against the sockets of his eyes he cried, no tears, more a silent whimper, gasping for a raspy breath. he was exhausted. he stood up wobbly and leant his head against a tree beside the dirt path he and moomin had been following mear minutes before. he gained his breath and slowed his heartbeat, significantly calming and cooling down. he composed himself and decided it was too dangerous to go back to Moomin house in this state.

seconds after deciding to leave the valley, snufkin was interrupted in his steps by a worried, crying moomin. he and moomin papa had run all the way to snufkin after hearing about what happened, "snufkin... snufkin don't leave!" moomin cried sadly with a tint of anger, wiping his eyes with his arm. snufkin slowed to a stop and looked at moomin over his shoulder 

"I love you moomin but I can't stay.. I'm sorry" he took another step expecting moomin to let him leave, to let him go and forget about Moomin valley. to snufkins surprise but expected moomin put up a fight 

"no... I can't let you do that, we can help, whatever you're going through. just tell me, please snufkin. I love you."snufkin had always said he loved moomin but to here it back was a surreal experience. even in the context of the situation, snufkin still felt an isolated love for moomin, a love they shared between themselves, and yet snufkin knew the truth, moomin didn't like him like that. moomin had eyes for snorkmaiden. moomin papa stood behind, arms open and nodding along to every word that came out of moomins mouth. tail between his knees snufkin turned fully around and faced moomin, he sighed 

"ok moomin." snufkin felt almost embarrassed by giving in so easily, he knew his weakness was moomin. hot tears ran down the boys cold faces as they began walking back to Moomin house hand in hand, it was comforting yet melancholic. snufkin felt the tight grasp of moomins hand, as he breathed his grasp tightened almost to reassure snufkin that moomin would never let go, never again.

moomin papa knocked on the front door of moomin house as the boys stood behind, moomin whispering reassuring words into the devilish ears of snufkin. his eyelids were heavy as he glared at the door, contemplating his option to run. snufkins hands where sore and his body ached as he released his grip of moomins hand nervously, moomin realised the uncertainty of snufkin and quickly snatched his hand back into his own. snufkin hands were cold yet sweaty, as his grip nervously tightened around moomins hands his claws began to dig into his marshmallow hands. moomin tried his hardest not to flinch, trying not to alert snufkin that he was uncomfortable and in pain. hot blood dripped from the boys hand when he quickly pulled it back, not being able to bare the pinching pain any longer. snufkin noticed and was extremely disturbed, becoming more and more scared of himself. he took a few steps away and clasped his hands together, concealing them from moomin .moomin did the same but only to conceal the wounds and stop the bleeding. they both made eye contact. a worried scared look rippled across both of their faces, a reflection of each other. "I... I'm so sorry are you ok?" snufkin said worried as he bit his lip nervously. moomin breathed in through his teeth 

" yeah.. yeah don't worry...I'm fine"

both concealing snufkins actions, the boys patiently waited for the door to open   
both concealing snufkins actions, the boys patiently waited for the door to open. 

" they must be out" muttered Moomin papa under his breath when the door swung open to reveal no one at the door, wait..'little my stood angrily at the bottom of the door frame, arms crossed as usual. it comforted snufkin to see some normality in his world of alien feelings.

"oh shit, moomin are you ok?" little my questioned showing genuine concern unlike usual.

"uhhh.. oh you mean this? i cut my hand on a bramble" he said gesturing toward the 4 daggerlike indents in his hand, he smiled nervously as he put his hand behind his head, rubbing his snow white fur. 

"ok then, keep your secrets" little my said rolling her eyes, she turned around into the house and waved the group inside. moomin mamma had been waiting nervously ever since moomin left with papa to get snufkin, she stood up in reliefe when she saw them enter the kitchen, almost knocking her cup of coffee over. 

"snufkin dear, i heard what happened. are you ok? " she said walking towards snufkin noticing the tail, ears , paws and teeth as he spoke but she decided it was better not to say anything 

"oh... uh yeah its ok now i think." he said semi confidently, hoping the worst was over. 

"would you perhaps want to stay with us tonight?" mama said lovingly as she began boiling the kettle.

"if its no trouble"snufkin said skuffing his boots against the wooden floor, looking down as he slowly moved his hands behind his back . mama began retrieving 5 mugs from the cupboard 

" oh none at all."

snufkin had always enjoyed the comfort of his tent but yet every once and a while he felt a strong feeling of loneliness and usually resorts to a sleepover with moomin. snufkin had been alone all his life and despite it being in his nature to be isolated he has always enjoyed moomins company. moomin has always been the exception. the boys made there way up to moomins room, avoiding dinner as they had lost their appetite with worry. the sweet aromas of the cooking, despite smelling tasty, the boys had no feeling of hunger towards the food. they both sat down on moomins bed in awkward silence. snufkin looked down to see moomin still tightly holding his blood-stained hand. 

"oh god, let me help" snufkin said reaching into his bag and pulling out a bandage. he grabbed moomins hand and began wrapping it in a thick layer of bandage. the little interaction made snufkins heart flutter and although it was just a mere act of kindness he hoped and hoped it meant something more to moomin. 

"uhh thanks" moomin said nervously," it feels much better now ." snufkin held tightly to moomins hand not letting go, looking down at there hands and gently stroking it with his thumb

"i... im sorry, about everything. I just don't know what came over me " snufkin said as he began to cry, he felt the glittery tears cascading gracefully down his cheek but he ignored them for the sake of not wanting to move. moomin swiftly moved his hands on top of snufkins, exposing the bloodsoaked bandages, he held them tight, eyes glossed and spoke 

"snuff it's ok. I understand you can't control it. we can try to control it together, we will get through this together" together. a word moomin had said many times, but this time it seemed truly disappointed. why can't they just always be together? it would avoid so many problems. snufkin was losing his mind, reading into words too deeply, deciphering them and twisting their meanings. his head spun 

"ok moomin" snufkin said calmly and quietly, "I think I just want to sleep right now."

slowly snufkin began taking off his jacket and hung it on the hat stand, as well as his hat. he untied his shoes and listed them off his feet, they ached in excruciating pain. leaving him only in a shirt and his brown corduroy trousers, he didn't mind sleeping in them as they wer just as comfy as PJs. snufkin began to get under moomins faded and moth-eaten duvet. the duvet was blue and white stripey with tea stains splattered all over. 

"Ummm. snufkin? could you sleep in your sleeping bag tonight... on the floor?" moomin said breaking the silence, he felt awkward, but he really didn't feel like having company as he slept. 

"oh. yeah sure" snufkin tried to keep up his calm demeanour but he felt like ripping all of the skin of his body in anger. his insides were tight themselves in knots as he slowly slid out of bed, he pulled his sleeping bag out of his rucksack that was leaning against the nightstand and sadly unrolled it and slid in. snufkin felt stupid, why would he get into moomins bed without permission? what was he thinking? his body tensed as he scrunched himself into the fetal position and wept quietly. moomin hopped in bed and turned off the lamp 

"goodnight snufkin" snufkin couldn't bring himself to answer, he only jolted and shook to the thought of his previous actions.


	6. Chapter 6

snufkin shivered violently in the cold, rushing wind that swept his hair back, cooling his sweaty face. his body loosened from the tense state he had been in and his paws released from his grip on the ground. on his knees, snufkin brought his muddy paws up to his face, lower palms pressed against the sockets of his eyes he cried, no tears, more a silent whimper, gasping for a raspy breath. he was exhausted. he stood up wobbly and leant his head against a tree beside the dirt path he and moomin had been following mear minutes before. he gained his breath and slowed his heartbeat, significantly calming and cooling down. he composed himself and decided it was too dangerous to go back to Moomin house in this state.

seconds after deciding to leave the valley, snufkin was interrupted in his steps by a worried, crying moomin. he and moomin papa had run all the way to snufkin after hearing about what happened, "snufkin... snufkin don't leave!" moomin cried sadly with a tint of anger, wiping his eyes with his arm. snufkin slowed to a stop and looked at moomin over his shoulder 

"I love you moomin but I can't stay.. I'm sorry" he took another step expecting moomin to let him leave, to let him go and forget about Moomin valley. to snufkins surprise but expected moomin put up a fight 

"no... I can't let you do that, we can help, whatever you're going through. just tell me, please snufkin. I love you."snufkin had always said he loved moomin but to here it back was a surreal experience. even in the context of the situation, snufkin still felt an isolated love for moomin, a love they shared between themselves, and yet snufkin knew the truth, moomin didn't like him like that. moomin had eyes for snorkmaiden. moomin papa stood behind, arms open and nodding along to every word that came out of moomins mouth. tail between his knees snufkin turned fully around and faced moomin, he sighed 

"ok moomin." snufkin felt almost embarrassed by giving in so easily, he knew his weakness was moomin. hot tears ran down the boys cold faces as they began walking back to Moomin house hand in hand, it was comforting yet melancholic. snufkin felt the tight grasp of moomins hand, as he breathed his grasp tightened almost to reassure snufkin that moomin would never let go, never again.

moomin papa knocked on the front door of moomin house as the boys stood behind, moomin whispering reassuring words into the devilish ears of snufkin. his eyelids were heavy as he glared at the door, contemplating his option to run. snufkins hands where sore and his body ached as he released his grip of moomins hand nervously, moomin realised the uncertainty of snufkin and quickly snatched his hand back into his own. snufkin hands were cold yet sweaty, as his grip nervously tightened around moomins hands his claws began to dig into his marshmallow hands. moomin tried his hardest not to flinch, trying not to alert snufkin that he was uncomfortable and in pain. hot blood dripped from the boys hand when he quickly pulled it back, not being able to bare the pinching pain any longer. snufkin noticed and was extremely disturbed, becoming more and more scared of himself. he took a few steps away and clasped his hands together, concealing them from moomin .moomin did the same but only to conceal the wounds and stop the bleeding. they both made eye contact. a worried scared look rippled across both of their faces, a reflection of each other. "I... I'm so sorry are you ok?" snufkin said worried as he bit his lip nervously. moomin breathed in through his teeth 

" yeah.. yeah don't worry...I'm fine"

both concealing snufkins actions, the boys patiently waited for the door to open   
both concealing snufkins actions, the boys patiently waited for the door to open. 

" they must be out" muttered Moomin papa under his breath when the door swung open to reveal no one at the door, wait..'little my stood angrily at the bottom of the door frame, arms crossed as usual. it comforted snufkin to see some normality in his world of alien feelings.

"oh shit, moomin are you ok?" little my questioned showing genuine concern unlike usual.

"uhhh.. oh you mean this? i cut my hand on a bramble" he said gesturing toward the 4 daggerlike indents in his hand, he smiled nervously as he put his hand behind his head, rubbing his snow white fur. 

"ok then, keep your secrets" little my said rolling her eyes, she turned around into the house and waved the group inside. moomin mamma had been waiting nervously ever since moomin left with papa to get snufkin, she stood up in reliefe when she saw them enter the kitchen, almost knocking her cup of coffee over. 

"snufkin dear, i heard what happened. are you ok? " she said walking towards snufkin noticing the tail, ears , paws and teeth as he spoke but she decided it was better not to say anything 

"oh... uh yeah its ok now i think." he said semi confidently, hoping the worst was over. 

"would you perhaps want to stay with us tonight?" mama said lovingly as she began boiling the kettle.

"if its no trouble"snufkin said skuffing his boots against the wooden floor, looking down as he slowly moved his hands behind his back . mama began retrieving 5 mugs from the cupboard 

" oh none at all."

snufkin had always enjoyed the comfort of his tent but yet every once and a while he felt a strong feeling of loneliness and usually resorts to a sleepover with moomin. snufkin had been alone all his life and despite it being in his nature to be isolated he has always enjoyed moomins company. moomin has always been the exception. the boys made there way up to moomins room, avoiding dinner as they had lost their appetite with worry. the sweet aromas of the cooking, despite smelling tasty, the boys had no feeling of hunger towards the food. they both sat down on moomins bed in awkward silence. snufkin looked down to see moomin still tightly holding his blood-stained hand. 

"oh god, let me help" snufkin said reaching into his bag and pulling out a bandage. he grabbed moomins hand and began wrapping it in a thick layer of bandage. the little interaction made snufkins heart flutter and although it was just a mere act of kindness he hoped and hoped it meant something more to moomin. 

"uhh thanks" moomin said nervously," it feels much better now ." snufkin held tightly to moomins hand not letting go, looking down at there hands and gently stroking it with his thumb

"i... im sorry, about everything. I just don't know what came over me " snufkin said as he began to cry, he felt the glittery tears cascading gracefully down his cheek but he ignored them for the sake of not wanting to move. moomin swiftly moved his hands on top of snufkins, exposing the bloodsoaked bandages, he held them tight, eyes glossed and spoke 

"snuff it's ok. I understand, you can't control it. we can try to control it together, we will get through this together" together. a word moomin had said many times, but this time it seemed truly disappointed. why can't they just always be together? it would avoid so many problems. snufkin was losing his mind, reading into words too deeply, deciphering them and twisting their meanings. his head spun 

"ok moomin" snufkin said calmly and quietly "I think I just want to sleep right now."

slowly snufkin began taking off his jacket and hung it on the hat stand, as well as his hat. he untied his shoes and listed them off his feet, they ached in excruciating pain. leaving him only in a shirt and his brown corduroy trousers, he didn't mind sleeping in them as they wer just as comfy as PJs. snufkin began to get under moomins faded and moth-eaten duvet. the duvet was blue and white stripey with tea stains splattered all over. 

"Ummm. snufkin? could you sleep in your sleeping bag tonight... on the floor?" moomin said breaking the silence, he felt awkward, but he really didn't feel like having company as he slept. 

"oh. yeah sure" snufkin tried to keep up his calm demeanour but he felt like ripping all of the skin of his body in anger. his insides were tight themselves in knots as he slowly slid out of bed, he pulled his sleeping bag out of his rucksack that was leaning against the nightstand and sadly unrolled it and slid in. snufkin felt stupid, why would he get into moomins bed without permission? what was he thinking? his body tensed as he scrunched himself into the fetal position and wept quietly. moomin hopped in bed and turned off the lamp 

"goodnight snufkin" snufkin couldn't bring himself to answer, he only jolted and shook to the thought of his previous actions.


	7. crimson gardenias

as snufkin walked moomin back to the house an uncomfortable weight sat on their shoulders. not daring to hold hands like only hours before.

snufkin and moomin approached snufkins tent, they waved goodbye and said goodnight. snufkin watched as moomin walked back to the warm cosy Moomin house. he looked up into the endless void that was the sky and sighed. he closed his eyes and imagined a world where he and moomin would live forever... together. he snapped back into the reality when a branch snapped in the forest. little my stumbled out of the pitch-black shadowed forest and began walking towards snufkin. 

"what are you doing in the forest!" snufkin yelled at my, 

"doesn't matter!" she replied, shaking leaves off the base of her boots. snufkin sat down in front of the fire awaiting my, unsatisfied with her answer. "what we having?" asked little my scooting over to snufkin on the log he was sat on. 

"I'm having pea soup, your having dinner with the moomins," snufkin said stubbornly as he poured himself a ladle of green sludge. 

"cmon dude, don't you wanna spend time with your fave sibling?" little my said wide-eyed, and innocent, although snufkin new it was just an act, he replied 

"here" handing her a bowl of soup "now shut up." they ate their soup in silence, my knowing if she said a word snufkin might snap, she couldn't be bothered dealing with that tonight.

my knew what was happening with snufkin but decided against confronting him directly, instead, dropping hints in bitchy remarks every now and again to make snufkin unnerved   
my knew what was happening with snufkin but decided against confronting him directly, instead, dropping hints in bitchy remarks every now and again to make snufkin unnerved. she did love snufkin but had a strange way of showing it. as older siblings tend to do, she showed her affection in teasing and being annoying, she hoped snufkin knew this. all she ever wanted to do was spend time with him and actually talk for once, but their relationship was somewhat on strings. they hadn't had a chance to talk in forever and she felt herself slip away from that family love that one needs. she also knew about snufkins feelings for moomin, now that's something that had intrigued her. again she would never bring it up in passing conversation but it's a funny thing to think about. to be honest my had always know snufkin wasn't straight, by the way he brushed his hair and preferred heels over flat soles, not to be stereotypical but my just put two and two together. she did feel bad though, spending all that time alone (unwanted or wanted)can take a toll on anyone, and being turned down and forced to be alone is a whole other story. my intended that today was going to be the day they talked, although that would be hard in snufkins current state.

"right im sick of this, talk to me for once, " little my said angrily slamming her bowl down on the log. 

"there's nothing to talk about." snufkin muttered bluntly still staring into his almost empty bowl. "SNUFKIN STOP IT! TALK TO ME !" my said once again angrily, kicking her feet against his shins. 

"what do you want to talk about," snufkin said, showing little emotion to my, but underneath the shadow of his hat his eyes were watering and his breathing sped up. 

"YOU!" my said shoving snufkins arms. snufkin held the arm my shoved and looked up at her, face red with embarrassment and tears now streaming down his flustered cheeks. my felt an overwhelming sense of sympathy and sadness, with a tinge of anger towards snufkin. "snufkin... just talk to me... please." he wiped the tears from his eyes with his sleeve and began explaining the contents of his feelings and the events of that winter. stories of breakdowns and dreams, graphic urges and intrusive thoughts. my sat, listening to it all, not once being distracted by there surroundings. "shit" she giggled nervously " well... umm ... do you feel better now? that it's not bottled up anymore" my said rubbing the back of her head.

" I guess so, but nothings going to change just because I told someone," snufkin said pessimistically making a valid point, nothing was going to change. 

"I guess so." my said embracing him in an awkward hug. she hopped off the log, simply said goodnight and began walking back to moomin house.

"I love you my!" snufkin shouted as his eyes began welling up again, 

"I love you too snuff" my replied with a sympathetic smile.

after years of ignoring his feeling snufkin finally came into touch with some deeply suppressed thoughts. after his convo with my, he began thinking about his life. he thought about his dad. if his dad never left would he be different? his thoughts raced as he sat in his own head. his dad joxter had left him in a cardboard box in the forest when he was still a baby. joxter had a slight record of leaving, snufkin, mymble, whoever it was joxter just couldn't seem to stay for the life of him. mymble, his mother, had 33 other children and usually, snufkin got forgotten in the background. snufkin had lived with being abandoned for his whole life but only now had he realised the significance and effect it had on his teenage years. he's always wanted to be alone but he soon realised that at first being alone wasn't a choice.

snufkin found it hard to sleep that night, as he somewhat expected. but he eventually fell into a deep coma-like state, sleeping into the late afternoon. his dreams that night felt odd and different, not as clear as before. flashing colours and images confused snufkin in his sleep, they all related to the urges but somehow held an unknown deeper meaning. he awoke, sweaty and red-faced as usual. he lay for almost an hour after waking, just watching the light flicker through the thin canvas of his tent. the bed felt comforting and warm but he somehow forced himself up and out of his cave. out onto the dewy grass beside the river. he sat without his shoes, coat or hat beside the riverbank. as usual in his sleepy daze, he felt fixated on the cool splashing of the river, mindlessly watching leaves and debris float atop of the river, down into the nooks and crannies of the rocks beside. mesmerised snufkin sat for another hour or so, not shifting from his position once since he sat down. he felt like he had just woken up from a nap when he eventually snapped back into reality. the metallic taste returned to his mouth when he realised that his usual pea soup( or any meal at that) wasn't fully curing his hunger. he fully knew why but blissfully ignored it in denial.


	8. plum hyacinths

after snufkins day alone of wallowing in his own stress and misfortune, he felt a strange sense of relaxation. back at staring into the river like the day before, and the one before. snufkin felt almost... dead. like he had once been living, experiencing feelings and senses. now he felt cold and numb, even the touch of moomin wasn't enough to snap him out of it. he felt like he was watching his body from the outside in, floating above this vessel that was no longer his, no longer in his control. he had lost touch of himself the day after he had talked with my. it just came crumbling, his feelings, his urges. having to face his own feelings and truly address everything. his mask had broken and he was out in the open. his secrets were no longer his and he couldn't cope. he shut down from that day on, no feeling, no reactions, just numb. even his urges had left, for the time being, and he could finally relax in his state of dissociation. 

the last week of spring came and snufkin was finally willing to push through this feeling. he awoke on Monday morning, determined. he threw on his clothes and quickly stumbled out of his tent on the bank, quickly as to not let himself fall back into his pit. snufkin watched as moomin skipped out of the house and they locked eyes.

snufkins heart rate quickened and his breath fell in and out sporadically. the realisation of what he told my, and the reality of having to face moomin again was excruciating. his stomach turned in knots as he snapped his gaze away from moomins. he felt like he was going to be sick, this feeling of sudden heaviness weighed on his chest as he stumbled away into the forest. his determination crumbled as he slumped over a log on the path. snufkin let his heartrate slow, how could he be so weak? one stupid thing and now he can't even look at moomin?. he felt so disappointed in himself, he had got into his own head, his faith in himself was too high and now he was falling deeper than ever. breathing back to normal, he pulled himself back onto his feet, swaying back and forth. he couldn't face going back, ever.

something as stupid as a small glance in moomins direction had sent snufkin down a spiral. not only was he not sure how safe moomin would be with him around, but he couldn't even bare to be near. and as if on cue the urges came back. like a cave crumbling in, a wave crashing, snufkin was suddenly confronted with a decision, run and moomin is safe or stay with moomin in danger. at this point in time, snufkin was truly scared of himself and what imaginary scenarios he found himself in. and he had decided. run, like he had his whole life.

it seemed petty, to run because you said some stupid shit to your sister because you can't even look at your best friend without wanting to rip him to shreds. maybe the murder aspect of snufkins reasonings wasn't petty but something about this situation made snufkin feel weak. he can't even protect his family, and now what? he leaves like he always does. he ran when he began having feelings for moomin, he ran when his father left, he ran when the truth finally came out.

snufkin trusted little my with his secret but something deep in his gut told him that no one, not even himself, should be trusted with his feelings. so he ran from them, hoping to never have another confrontation with them again.

almost as a parallel for running from his feelings, snufkin quite literally began running into the jagged yet comforting, whimsical yet threatening jaws of freedom. the world seemed all too quick as snufkin ran through the dead forest, it was silent save for the noises of his raspy breath and thumping heartbeat. was he moving too quick? was he overreacting? all thoughts that crossed snufkins mind were dismissed with a swift swipe of his sweaty brow.

he ran, for as long as he could.


End file.
